Sometimes it seems particularly hard to traverse the uncertain terrain of maturation. At times, I feel capable of seeing forward, of thinking ahead and being able to respond accordingly, in a manner that builds my character and develops my understanding of the world around me outside of my own internal world.
However, at other times, it feels like walking up a mountain backwards with thongs on. It’s just plain hard. Everything seems to happen so quickly that my mind just feels drugged and incapable of constructive thought. I get flustered and before I am even aware of it, my mouth has run off with my jumbled thoughts and I’ve spoken from an emotional status instead of one that comes from being hidden in Christ.
Now, I don’t know about other people, and perhaps this little ‘Alice in Wonderland’ world is unique to me, but this toing and froing of feeling mature and immature is starting to cause me continual frustration. I have no desire to be led by a bevy of emotions, tossed back and forth in a sea of memories and paradigms.
My heart longs to be one who lives in the place of being hidden in Christ, able to manoeuvre through the emotional obstacle course that my past has set before me, and construct clear, articulate responses to situations I find myself in.
So why then do I struggle? Why is this journey into being a fully revealed son – one indistinguishable from my Brother – taking so long? What kind of twisted pay off do I get from staying ensnared in this emotional black hole, unable to find the switch to radiate the Light that dispels the dark?
Often I am plagued by these questions and often I find few answers. But one thing has become clear.
If I am to mature, I must at first acknowledge that I am not yet there.
Despite the revelation that I am revealed as a son of the Most High, despite the knowledge that in Him I move and have my being – I am still in the process of being awakened, and choosing to wake up.
It’s all in the choice I think. And it’s not just the choice of choosing life instead of death. It’s not just in the choice of proclaiming on Sunday who I follow, believe in and live in. it’s not even just in the choice of living with the knowledge of the goodness of my God on a daily basis.
It’s in the moment by moment opportunities for revelation to become mindset. For archaic paradigms to be washed away and holy mindsets to be established in their place.
It’s in the moment before I open my mouth to speak. It’s in the moment that my ears relay a message to my brain giving my thought processes the choice to listen to past experience or to enquire of Holy Spirit what I need to be hearing right now.
It’s in the practice of these moments that eventually, just like brushing my teeth every day, these choices become the mechanics of my everyday thought, the foundations on which I lay every conversation and every response.
I wonder if I will truly ever reach the magical font of maturity. I suspect that the more days I have on this earth, the more aware I will become of how much there is to still learn.
And the more I learn this, the more mercy and grace seems to flow and the more mercy and grace flows, the more I feel able to grab hold of that mature sonship that I know is my Birthright.
So for now, I will lay hold of what I have already attained, and at least encourage myself in that understanding that Grace has brought me this far and remind myself that Grace will complete that which was begun in me.
And so the journey continues…
By Miriam Miles