An opportunity to visit Cfan’s Crusades in Africa!!

Well, I don’t normally enter competitions at all but this is an exception to the rule!

I am unashamedly keen to get the best opportunity to win this competition as I have been a big fan of Cfan (Christ for All Nations) for many years and to go and witness literally millions of human beings connecting with God is something I think worth trying get 🙂

You can check it out here and enter too if you like!  www.freeafricatrip.com

I’ll keep you posted if I get in!!

Miriam

Finally…

I’ve just had possibly the most profound moment of clarity. I walked out of a job interview after 5 minutes because I realised how little suited I was to that work. It was freeing to say no and goodbye.

What happened next has taken me by surprise.

I was siting on the train heading home when I realised that I just cannot fit myself into any other mould than the one I am created to fit.

I am a creative. A writer. A singer. A musician. I cannot be anything else other than temporarily.

I have fought this for so long that I had almost convinced myself that perhaps I wasn’t really cut out to be a creative. That perhaps I had misunderstood my life’s direction. I had almost cut myself out of the picture that my dreams have been constructed from.
Tears welled up and splattered down my cheeks as I realised that I cannot run away any more. Simultaneously, a freedom from deep within has begun to burst up and into my vision. A crust that has been growing around my heart feels like its being smashed away, the broken pieces tumbling down into oblivion.

I know I am free.

So now begins the dance.

Finally.

In love and honour,

Miriam

Why does rejection sting?

I’ve been thinking about why so many of us, myself included, prefer to not risk the sting of rejection over the potential of success and it has got me this far: rejection really hurts. Like, physically. There is a pain on the inside, around my heart, that ripples out when I feel rejected.

Time to be free

Time to be free

Maybe I’m the only one who feels it so tangibly, but in all honesty, this is what it is like for me. A physical reaction in my body occurs when I am rejected.

What I find interesting though, is that this reaction can also occur even when I perceive that I might be rejected.

So even if I haven’t actually gone to the length of stepping out into a place where rejection or acceptance can result, I can find myself already experiencing that physical pain on the inside. Perhaps it’s no wonder then why I get so hogtied when I try to move forward?

So what to do about this I wonder?

My initial thought is to try to deal with this perception that stalls me, this physical reaction to a perceived scenario. Maybe if I can find the root of it, I can rid myself of it and be more free to step out into the unknown?

In the meantime, all I have is what tools I already know.  Keep trying.  And if I fall over again, get up and keep trying.  Something’s got to give…right?

In love and honour,

Miriam

Why allow the past to govern the future?

Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, digging deeper into what makes me tick I suppose, trying to calibrate myself in line with what I really believe and what I have encountered in this short life so far.
It’s been a really hard journey. I’m not going to lie to you. There have been days recently where I just feel like I am drowing in doubt and confusion. At first it was easy to let go of what I knew and embrace an unknown period of time. But as the year has continued to march on at a pace that often takes my breath away, I am getting tireder, more fractious, more fragile.
Perhaps in fact, I was already tired, fractious and fragile? I’m not sure. But I have begun to understand something that I hope is instrumental in helping me to move forward.

In order to step into my future, I need to face my past, let it go and turn my back on it. I need to stop trying to program in the ideal future scenario and just live the day after today and then the one after that.

You see my past looks something like this: try and get myself where I want to be, but only put the most minimal amount of effort in in order to get some kind of result and then pull back when anyone really starts to take a serious interest in what I am doing. I put it down to things like ‘oh, I don’t know if that’s the right path for me’ and ‘I am uncomfortable with the idea of someone controling my future’.

As it stands today, I am beginning to see that I am my own worst enemy in my pursuit to make my future dreams come to pass. The fear of rejection has had a stranglehold on me for longer than I can recount and despite having dealt with so many aspects of this problem, I am clearly still not fully past it.

A month ago I would have written this post from a whole different point of view. It would have been written from the ‘I worked out the answer and now I want to share it with you’ place. And there is nothing really wrong with that.

But I have come to realise that I am nowhere near being able to fix it myself so who am I to give advice to you?

A big part of the issue is my inability to be broken, to allow myself to present a fragile and imperfect version of myself to the world. But perhaps that is my undoing? Perhaps I’ve just had things a little back to front? Maybe what I should be doing is fully embracing my pain, recognising that it’s there and then letting the beautiful broken pieces of my life connect with the beautiful broken pieces of another’s life and maybe finding that our pieces actually help heal each other?

Look, here is where I stand. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in healing and miracles. I believe in a God who loves us so much that he would spend eternity helping us become the very best, purest version of who he created us to be.

I also believe that as we offer the most authentic version of ourselves to the world, as best as we can, we have the opportunity to connect with others going through similar challenges, to help others embrace where they are at, to be a part of someone else’s journey to a better future. We might just find the broken pieces that we need in the hands of another who is broken too.

Anyway, at this moment, this is where I stand. I hope to be further along in my journey the next time I write, but if I’m not, then that’s okay too.

Do you believe your own press?

Do you believe your own press? Today I am undecided. Lately it seems there are two of me. The one who I see today and the one who I desire to be. It’s not that I’m having a mental breakdown. In fact I think it’s quite the opposite. It’s like I can see parallel tracks and at some point I know they will merge..but they haven’t just yet 🙂

So what am I to do with this revelation? I can’t go backward. And it seems I’m a little stuck in the going forward department. It feels like I am tacking, that my sails have dropped and despite knowing that somehow the destination remains resolute, I have to choose what to do next. It’s a bit strange here out in the middle of the sea, the waves tossing my little sail boat around a bit.

IMG_0955

I’ve been spending a lot if time in thought over the past few weeks. A lot of time. And what I am beginning to see is a great deal if personal fragility coming to the surface…stuff thats been buried perhaps a bit too long and in truth it’s really hard. I see myself pulling back and getting scared and then not moving forward at all. Becoming confused, stalling and rehashing my choices.

I think there is a point where one perhaps needs to stop trying to program the future and just simply step in and not look back 🙂

Getting there is a little easier than said. I think I’m somewhere in the middle of the journey. Perhaps that’s okay too…

Can we afford to be fragile?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about fragility and the human spirit. We seem to propel ourselves relentlessly toward being better, being healed, being perfected and none of these pursuits in and of themselves are bad. They are all worthy pursuits.

But what if amidst the pursuit we find ourselves lost, a bit broken or fragile or just plain exhausted? Perhaps the question isn’t so much ‘can we afford to be fragile?’ and maybe more ‘can we afford not to be fragile?’.

Can a thing broken still be a thing of beauty?

As I have been pondering all of these things, I found myself in poet mode today and this is what came:

Maybe…

 

Why is it we are

So obsessed

With the notion

Of success?

Why must we

Always win the race

Be the one to

Win first place?

 

 

Do we not see

The stark reflection

In the lines that

Cross our face?

That striving only

Brings us tension,

Makes the journey quicken pace?

 

 

Are we built

To be perfection?

Or can we relish

In incomplete?

Is it possible, I wonder

Just for once,

Not to be

The one to beat?

 

 

What if we were

Just as we are,

Naked, unsure

But not alone?

What if honesty

Was thought of

As the great pursuit

And skill to hone?

 

 

What if we could

Be so broken

That we found it

Hard to stand?

Yet somehow find

The missing pieces

Within another’s

Fragile hands?

 

 

Maybe we might

Find our moment

Where we feel

We really shine

Bring humanity

Together –

Maybe change

The course of time…

 

 

What if once

We come together

Lives could find

That missing piece?

Hand in hand

We all walk forward

Making one

And all complete?

 

 

Maybe then

The wars would falter

Friends and loved ones

Reconcile

Maybe then

Our thoughts could alter

The world and future,

For all time…

So I guess what I am thinking is that if we can take the risk to be fragile with others, perhaps a deeper and more lasting growth may occur in us each… and flow on to the world around us.
What say you? Are you with me?
In love and honour,
Miriam Miles