Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, digging deeper into what makes me tick I suppose, trying to calibrate myself in line with what I really believe and what I have encountered in this short life so far.
It’s been a really hard journey. I’m not going to lie to you. There have been days recently where I just feel like I am drowing in doubt and confusion. At first it was easy to let go of what I knew and embrace an unknown period of time. But as the year has continued to march on at a pace that often takes my breath away, I am getting tireder, more fractious, more fragile.
Perhaps in fact, I was already tired, fractious and fragile? I’m not sure. But I have begun to understand something that I hope is instrumental in helping me to move forward.
In order to step into my future, I need to face my past, let it go and turn my back on it. I need to stop trying to program in the ideal future scenario and just live the day after today and then the one after that.
You see my past looks something like this: try and get myself where I want to be, but only put the most minimal amount of effort in in order to get some kind of result and then pull back when anyone really starts to take a serious interest in what I am doing. I put it down to things like ‘oh, I don’t know if that’s the right path for me’ and ‘I am uncomfortable with the idea of someone controling my future’.
As it stands today, I am beginning to see that I am my own worst enemy in my pursuit to make my future dreams come to pass. The fear of rejection has had a stranglehold on me for longer than I can recount and despite having dealt with so many aspects of this problem, I am clearly still not fully past it.
A month ago I would have written this post from a whole different point of view. It would have been written from the ‘I worked out the answer and now I want to share it with you’ place. And there is nothing really wrong with that.
But I have come to realise that I am nowhere near being able to fix it myself so who am I to give advice to you?
A big part of the issue is my inability to be broken, to allow myself to present a fragile and imperfect version of myself to the world. But perhaps that is my undoing? Perhaps I’ve just had things a little back to front? Maybe what I should be doing is fully embracing my pain, recognising that it’s there and then letting the beautiful broken pieces of my life connect with the beautiful broken pieces of another’s life and maybe finding that our pieces actually help heal each other?
Look, here is where I stand. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in healing and miracles. I believe in a God who loves us so much that he would spend eternity helping us become the very best, purest version of who he created us to be.
I also believe that as we offer the most authentic version of ourselves to the world, as best as we can, we have the opportunity to connect with others going through similar challenges, to help others embrace where they are at, to be a part of someone else’s journey to a better future. We might just find the broken pieces that we need in the hands of another who is broken too.
Anyway, at this moment, this is where I stand. I hope to be further along in my journey the next time I write, but if I’m not, then that’s okay too.