11:10pm. Way past my bed time, but I get so wired up after going to the drama class. But I had to put pen to paper, so to speak, to get some stuff out of my brain box. I find early morning and late night my mind is quieter and I can encapsulate what is going on.
So it’s no wonder that while driving to my drama workshop I inadvertently discovered something. I realised why I had been having trouble choosing a script that resonated with me. It’s always the way, that when I discover something wonderful, I often end up discovering something else that is potentially wonderful, that simultaneously has the potential to be terrifying. I’m often left thinking “if only I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t have to deal with the crossroads that I’m at now”.
What did happen during the week was that a) I forgot to find a script until last night and b) after looking through a couple dozen, I didn’t end up choosing one, and instead wrote two of my own. I’ve done this before, with other creative pursuits and what I realised in the car, was that I made a choice that was governed by my default position. I chose not to choose someone else’s script because that puts me in a vulnerable position.
I might not like the script and therefore not do it justice
I might do a bad job and be criticised
If I feel judged, I will probably feel like I’ve failed and won’t want to try again
So it seems that my choice has nothing to do with finding a good script and everything to do with feeling vulnerable to the fear of failure.
Great, now I have a choice. Damn. Now I am at the crossroads and am vulnerable to whichever direction I take.
On the one hand, if I choose to stay where I am, I let go of any opportunity to grow through my inhibitions and fears, and possibly even overcome them. On the other hand, if I just go with it, choose a script, even if it doesn’t immediately grab me, and just see what happens, I might just break free and release something extraorodnary hiding away.
If I’m to be totally honest with myself, I don’t have a choice. This is why I say that it’s a shame when I discover something of this nature, because once unearthed, I cannot ignore the new information. I’m an addict of sorts. An addict of self discovery and growth. I cannot help myself!
So, even though I am pretty sure it’s going to be uncomfortable and I’ll feel pretty vulnerable at times, I am going to open this chapter to find out what’s inside. Maybe it won’t be so bad this time! Maybe I’ll get through it more quickly and with greater success than I have in the past. Maybe I’ll stop judging my future attempts by my past ones. And maybe I’ll discover a new default position has taken the lead and not only my writing will benefit, but my inner being will too.
Time to open this chapter and get discovering. After I sleep 🙂
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